Now Showing at an Ed Near You
by ZephyrSamba
Summary: The Ed-boys go to a movie of Ed's chosing. I hear that Giant Evil Strawberry Milk Men are even worse than those of the chocolate variety...


Ed skipped down the aisle of the sparsely populated movie theatre, laughing with excitement.  "Oh boy oh boy oh boy!  'Invasion of the Chocolate Milk Men' starts in 10 minutes!  Where do you want to sit, guys?"

"Wherever, Ed."  Trudging behind Ed, hands in his pockets and a scowl on his face, Eddy grumbled, "All that money we made – I still can't believe we're wasting it on this stupid movie!"

"Guys, a little assistance, please?"  What appeared to be a giant tub of popcorn with legs walked unsteadily down the aisle behind Eddy.  "Really, Ed, I don't know how you can expect to consume such an enormous quantity of snack food by the completion of this movie!"

"Don't worry, Double D, if we don't finish it we can always stick around for the next showing!"  Ed galloped up to the front row and bounced into a seat.

Stopping at the end of the row, Eddy crossed his arms and glared at Ed.  "No way, I'm not wasting any more of my time to see this thing twice!  And what're you doing all the way up here in the front row when we've got the whole theatre to pick from?  Move back, will ya?"

Ed's lower lip quivered and he gripped the armrests of his seat.  "But Eddy, this is the best spot in the house!  Extreme close-up, Eddy!"

"No way, Ed!  Being this close gives me a headache!  Move!"  Eddy grabbed him by the back of his coat and attempted to drag him out of the seat, but Ed refused to budge.  "ED!!"  Losing his grip, he flew backwards into Edd.  Napkins and popcorn scattered everywhere.

"Eddy!  Look what you made me do!"  Picking a napkin up off the floor and dabbing at his shirt, Edd complained, "Do you have any idea how difficult it is to remove saturated fats from poly-cotton blend fabrics?  My shirt is ruined!"

"Yeah, yeah, cry me a river. Just help me get Ed out of this seat!"

"Oh, let him sit up front, Eddy, it obviously means a lot to him – "

Ed sniffled.  "It DOES, Eddy!  It really does!"

"—and anyway, I doubt the negative impact on your physical well-being will be all that significant, will it?"

Eddy sighed.  "Fine.  We'll sit up front.  I'll get a headache.  See if I care."  Stepping over a puddle of grease, he added, "But we're gonna need more popcorn before this thing starts."

"I believe you have all our remaining money, Eddy, why don't you make the purchase this time while Ed and I clean up this…"  Glancing at Ed, Edd made a face.  "Eww, Ed!  Don't eat the popcorn up off the floor!  That's so unsanitary!"

Ed looked up.  "But it is so good, Double D!  And look – free gum!"  He peeled a pinkish, sticky substance from under the nearest chair and thrust it in Eddy's face.  "I think it's huckleberry flavored, Eddy!"

Eddy slapped Ed's hand away.  "Get it away from me, Ed!"

"No, really, it is okay, you can have it!"

"Uh, maybe I will go get some more popcorn, after all.  I'll be right back."

"Sure thing, Eddy!"  Ed offered the gum wad to Edd.  "Don't worry, Double-D, we've got enough snacks to last until Eddy gets back!"

Edd shrank away and called after Eddy, "Don't you leave me here with him!"

"Relax, Sock-head, I'll only be a few minutes."

"Oooh!"  Edd watched with annoyance as Eddy made his way back up the aisle.  "He can be so inconsiderate sometimes."  Turning back around, he found Ed, with the wad of gum now stuck behind his ear, smiling broadly at him.  "Oh, why, hello Ed…"

"Double-D, you are really going to like this movie!  It's got all sorts of scienc-y stuff in it!  Like, in the beginning, there's this maaad scientist who creates a race of giant evil chocolate bars to help him take over the world!"  Ed stood up and leaned over Edd, baring his teeth and waving his arms in an apparent impersonation of a giant evil chocolate bar.

Edd looked around nervously.  "Please sit down, Ed, people are starting to stare…"

"And then!  The mad scientist accidentally spills a glass of milk onto his chocolate bars and they become," grabbing Edd, he shook him as he exclaimed, "ALL-POWERFUL GIANT EVIL CHOCOLATE MILK MEN!!!"  He released his friend and laughed.  "Just like that time I spilled bubble soap in Sarah's brownie mix, only better!"

"Um, yes, Ed, that sounds like quite a…fascinating…plot, I'm sure I'll – "

"Double-D!"  Ed's eyes lit up with the spark of an idea.  "What if _you_ created a race of giant evil chocolate milk men and took over the world!!  You can be the mad scientist, Dr. Cadbury, and I'll be your assistant, um, Dairy Boy!!  I want to rule over all of West Carolina, okay?"  He threw an arm around Edd's shoulders and yanked him closer, whispering, "We won't even tell Eddy!"

"Won't tell me what?"  Eddy scowled as he made his way back to his seat.  "Are you two talking about me again?"

"No, Eddy, Double-D was just telling me about his new electro…uh, his new a-tom-ic…his new sarkospaztic durglebarger!"  He winked conspiratorially at Edd.  "Weren't you, Double-D?"

Edd rolled his eyes and sighed.  "Sure, Ed."

"A sarkospaztic durglebarger, huh?"  Eddy snorted.  "Boy, Double-D, you're a laugh a minute.  Here, Ed, take your popcorn."  He plopped a 4-foot high tub of popcorn down in front of Ed.

"POPCORN!  Yum-yum-yum!"  Ed stood on his seat and dove into the tub.  Surfacing headfirst, he asked through a full mouth, "You guys want some?"

Edd eyed the stray kernels falling back into the bucket from Ed's mouth, and suppressed a shiver of revulsion.  "Thank you Ed, but I…ate before we got here."

"Uh, yeah, me too – it's all yours, Big Guy."

"Okay, but you guys don't know what I'm missing!"  Ed disappeared once more back into the tub.

Eddy raised an eyebrow.  "Oh, I think maybe we do…"  His grin was replaced with a scowl as he remembered where he was.  He sank deeper into his seat and crossed his arms.  "Hmmph.  I still can't believe we let Ed talk us into wasting the whole afternoon on this stupid movie.  Why'd you have to stick up for him again, Sock-head?"

"He was crying, Eddy, you know I hate it when he does that!  Besides, it's only two hours."  Edd rolled his eyes.  "We'll be back outside fleecing the masses again before you know it."

"Yeah, well, we already did 'fleece the masses' today, didn't we?  We shouldn't have to be doing it again!"  Eddy put his head in his hands.  "Man, all that money…"

"Yes, I must admit that the unqualified success of today's ploy took me completely by surprise."  Edd shook his head in wonder.  "Who knew there would be such a vast market for combination pocket skateboards and grapefruit peelers?"

"_I_ did, Brainiac, that's why I'm the idea man of this outfit."  He patted Edd on the head patronizingly.  "You do real good with that little invention thing you do – so just stick to carrying out my plans and we'll be unstoppable!  At least, we will," his pats turned into sharp whacks, "if you'd – stop – encouraging – Ed!!"  With a final whack, he knocked Edd completely out of his seat.  Ignoring the whimpering now coming from the floor, he groused, "All that money…we could've been up to our eyes in jawbreakers by now, but _no_, Twinkie the Wonder Dolt insists we spend it on some dairy commercial reject of a movie…"  He looked around.  "And just look at these people!  Man!  It's like I'm the only cool guy in the entire theatre."

Edd climbed back into his seat a bit dizzily.  Glancing back at the other patrons, he said, "Now, Eddy, isn't it a bit unfair to be making personality judgments based solely on appearance?  Just because there's an inordinately high occurrence of science fiction-oriented apparel and an unfortunate tendency towards advanced states of acne amongst our fellow moviegoers, that's no reason to deem them all socially inadequate!  Why, I'm sure that if you were only to get to know – oof!"

Eddy glowered down at Edd, who once again found himself in a heap on the floor.  "Don't you EVER get tired of listening to yourself yap?  I know I sure do."  Glaring around again, he added, "I just hope nobody saw me come in here, it'd ruin my rep.  Oh great, here come some more escapees from Loser Island."    

Edd took his seat once more, this time sitting as far away from Eddy as he could without falling over the armrest.  "Not so loudly, Eddy, they'll hear you!"

"Yeah?  I hope they do!  Somebody needs to tell 'em they oughta to get a life.  Oh, man, they're sitting right behind us!"  Facing forward once again, he hunched down and dug his fingers into his armrests.  "Now we're gonna have to listen to their lame conversations through the whole movie!"

Indeed, the 3 people now sitting behind them had just begun a loud argument over who was the more impressive superhero, Dewy DeciMan or La-Z-Boy.  La-Z-Boy seemed to be a clear favorite on the basis of his trademark move, the Power Recline.  Eddy slapped a hand over his face and growled.

" – and just look at their weapons!  Are you telling me you _honestly_ believe that the Checkout Stamp Without a Name could withstand an onslaught from the 6-Pocketed TV Caddy?!?"

Eddy gritted his teeth.

" – Yes, but don't forget their sidekicks!  The Amazing Magazine Rack couldn't even scuff Microfiche Mary's shoes! – "

Eddy banged his head against his fist.

" – Are we really having this conversation?!  No _way_ are Dewy DeciMan's archenemies tougher than La-Z-Boy's!  Sofa-Bedstard could eat Diabolically Overdue _and_ Too Loudion for lunch, and still have room left over for The Dark Librarian! – "

Steam began to rise from Eddy's head.  "That's ENOUGH!"  Grabbing Edd by the neck, he hoisted him up high enough for his head to be seen over the back of his chair.  Before the struggling Edd could protest, Eddy snatched away his hat and – 

Shrieks filled the air, accompanied by the sound of feet pounding the floor as the theatre was rapidly evacuated.

"Much better."  Eddy grinned as he released Edd and dropped his hat onto the floor.  "Thanks, Double-D, you really do come in handy sometimes."

Teeth locked in a grimace, eyes staring straight ahead, Edd was too shocked to move for long minutes.  Finally snatching his hat off the floor and pulling it down hard over his ears, he breathed, "Tell me that didn't just happen…"

Eddy snickered.  "Don't worry about it, Sock-head, it's kinda dark in here, those dinks probably thought they were seeing things.  And anyway, we've got the place to ourselves now – no more Bookman, or Chair Guy, or whatever…Just in time, too, looks like the movie's about to start."

"MOVIE!"  Ed's head poked out of the now half-empty popcorn tub.  "Oh boy oh boy oh boy!"  He leapt back onto his seat and shook himself off, showering Edd and Eddy in popcorn.  As the lights dimmed and the previews started to roll, Ed nudged Edd in the ribs and whispered, "Now don't forget to pay real good attention so we can take over the world later on!"

"…hat…"

Ed laughed.  "That's a good one, Double-D!  Now shush, the movie's starting!"

"…hat…"

Eddy scowled in annoyance.  "Shut up, Sock-head, do you want me to push you off your chair again?"

"…hat…"

"Fine, if that's the way you want it – "  Eddy stopped himself in mid-shove as he noticed that Edd wasn't even trying to stop him.  Eyebrow raised, he waved a hand in front of Edd's face, but got no reaction.  He scooped up a handful of grease-soaked popcorn from the floor and dumped it down the front of Edd's shirt.  Nothing.  Eddy grinned maliciously.  Maybe this movie would be entertaining, after all.  Digging in his pocket, he pulled out a magic marker.

*******

Ed clapped his hands and laughed as he bounded out of the theatre.  "Wasn't that a good movie, guys?  I was so scared when the Giant Evil Chocolate Milk Men devoured the entire Swiss Army!"

Eddy sauntered out behind his friend, hands in his pockets and a wide grin across his face.  "I had a blast, Ed.  Didn't you, Double-D?"

Edd stomped out, arms crossed, glaring at the ground.  He darkly mumbled something.

"What, Double-D?  It almost sounded like you said – " Ed stopped and stared at his friend.  "Cool, Double-D, you grew a beard and a moustache!  And how'd you get all that gum on your shirt?"  His eyes widened.  "Ooh, wait, I know!"  Sidling up next to Edd, he whispered, "It's all part of the _plan_, isn't it?  Nice disguise!  Shhh, don't tell Eddy!"

"Don't tell me WHAT, Ed?!?"

"Oh, um, not to leave the cake out in the rain!"

"Whatever, Ed."

"I am DAIRY BOY!"  Laughing delightedly, Ed bounded back towards home, followed more slowly by his two friends.  "I just hope Sarah hasn't drunk all our milk!"


End file.
